Dejuiced! Sports News with No Boundaries

May 16th, 2008

Gran Turismo 5 Will Feature Invincible Car Technology

Some sad new for any Playstation 3 owners out there: Your console is a $600 piece of crap. No, seriously.

I remember back in college when my roommate bought a PS3 soon after it was released. He refused to buy a second controller or more than one game (both were too expensive, he said) and he instead chose to play Halo with me on my XBox 360 as his console collected dust. And now it’s become all too clear that is’ not my roommate’s cheapness that was wrong with his PS3, but Sony’s cheapness.

Now, almost a year later, we get demo footage for a Gran Tourismo 5 game that looks an awful lot like Gran Tourismo 3, which came out SEVEN YEARS AGO. I mean, sheesh, Sony. You can crash a car into a wall at 150 mph and all that happens is that the car bounces off? Get with the times already.

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By Alejandro de los Rios -- 0 comments

May 15th, 2008

EA Games Clearly Not Paying Attention to the Music Industry

So the new hotness in video games is apparently going the way of the dying music industry. Word is EA Games is going to be using some controversial internet-required digital rights management on its new games. Now, I don’t know much about DRM, but I do know is that it sounds like a venereal disease and I know those burn and burning is bad.

Photo credit: Newscom

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May 14th, 2008

Justine Henin and Annika Sorenstam Retire, End Careers in— OH MAN LOOK AT THAT HOTTIE!

Image details: Pacific Life Open Day 14 served by picapp.com

So the big news in the women’s tennis and golf world today is the retirement of Justine Henin and Annika Sorenstam, respectively. Much is to be made about how these great athletes are stepping down in their prime and blah blah blah have you seen Ana Ivanovic? Soooo Hot.

It’s a good thing for women’s tennis, too, because they’re going to need some fresh blood on the tour to replace Henin. It also helps that talent is, um, talented (or at least good looking). Ivanovich has got both those fields covered. Not only is she attractive, but she’s the top seed in the Italian Open. So great news tennis!

Wait, what’s that? She lost? Whatever, like I care about winning.

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May 11th, 2008

Lebron James Watched Basketball from the Womb

Al touched on the creepiness of these NBA commercials not too long ago, but this one featuring Kevin Garnett and Lebron James caught my eye for a different reason. It’s that first line: “I remember seeing Bird win it all.” Let’s do the math, shall we? Bird and the Celtics won the NBA Championship in 1981, ‘84 and ‘86. KG was born in 1976, so it’s very possible that, at age 5, 8 or 10, he saw Bird win it all and decided then and there that he would do the same. Lebron…well that’s a different matter. As we all know, Lebron James is just 23 years old, born December 30, 1984. That would make him, oh, about a year and a half old when Bird won his last title.

So, with all due respect, I call bullshit. Oh, and idiocy. As in, the people who wrote this commercial are idiots and Lebron is an idiot for not piping up and saying, “Hey, I could barely walk when Bird won his last title, how bout we switch it to Jordan, or Hakeem, or, you know, anyone I actually remember watching?”

Or maybe I’ve lost the point entirely, who knows.

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May 7th, 2008

Chris Cooley and Men Looking at Men Peeing

Image details: Washington Redskins 2007 Headshots served by picapp.com

If you haven’t heard, Chris Cooley of the Washington Redskins has his own blog over with Yahoo! Sports. It’s highly entertaining if you want to know the thoughts of a pro football player or, say, if you want to know what it’s like to pee while another man stares intently at your penis (from the blog):

Once the selection process ends the player must wash his hands before the real fun begins. Who knows what someone could put all over his fingers to tamper with the results? The test taker then takes his shirt off and moves into the bathroom stall. At this point the pants must go down below the knees. In my case they usually fall closer to the ankles. I feel like a four year-old kid standing bare-assed in front of the stall while my dad coaches me on, making sure I don’t piss all over myself.

To me, the most surprising thing is how players have to report for a drug test within 24 hours of being selected, no matter where they are in the world. That, my friends, is insane. I mean, what if the player is in South Africa (a 24-hour flight from the East Coast)? Or what if you’re Hines Ward and you’re in South Korea? Does the NFL send someone on the 12+hour flight just to collect his pee?

The NFL…I WANT THAT!

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May 7th, 2008

Many Thanks for the Fans Who Surrounded Me at Last Night’s Tigers Game

Firstly, thank you to the fan who brought the “Big Papi? More like Big Poopie!” sign. You, sir, are a hero. While I am immensely disappointed in myself for not coming up with that scatological nickname — indeed, I’m disappointed that I haven’t even heard it before — I am pleased that you, fan with Big Poopie sign, brought it to my attention. It is so delightfully immature that no one could take legitimate offense to it. Even though Ortiz hit a towering home-run, I could still chuckle at the Big Poopie sign, and it made another ugly Tigers loss a bit more tolerable.

Speaking of that Ortiz home-run, I also have to thank the stereotype fulfilling Massholes in our section. Thank you for turning around and drawing attention to yourself after every Red Sox run. Thank you for standing and trying to get the attention of the Tiger dugout girls who were throwing out free t-shirts, even though we were a full section away and those girls couldn’t throw farther than 20 feet. Thanks for making it that much easier to keep up my irrational hatred for you and your brethren.

On that note, thank you fan who threw peanuts at the aforementioned Red Sox fans, which, in a convoluted turn of events, led to their eventual dismissal from their seats. And thanks to you, overzealous seating attendant. You may have prevented my group from upgrading to the Tiger Den, but you taking your job so seriously was the catalyst in expelling the Sox fans. Great work.

Big Poopie, ha ha, great stuff.

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By Albert Bianchi -- 1 comment

May 6th, 2008

From the Stupid Idea Book: Shark Surfing

I can’t decide if this guy has incredible brass or is incredibly stupid — or if the video is even real. I’m thinking/hoping it’s a fake because, not only does this guy remind me of how much of a gigantic wuss I am, but it also shows that surfers are way cooler than me. Also — again, this only applies if this movie is real — how ballsy is it to surf in shark infested waters, with or without three-pound stakes in tow?

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May 4th, 2008

Mike Tyson’s House is Elaborate, Sparsely Furnished, Tacky

Yaowza! That is a fugly-ass rug, isn’t it? And what about those light fixtures? All that’s missing is the cork because this place is TACK CITY! Whoever lived here must’ve been blind and possibly insane. I mean, anyone who thinks this is a nice way to design a house must also think tattooing your face is a good idea.

Oh. Of course.

These are the pictures of Mike Tyson’s former house. As you can see, it’s been abandoned for quite some time. So long, in fact, that I’d think twice about jumping in that pool. Strike that, I wouldn’t think twice about it. I would never once think about it. That ish is gross.

(Photo courtesy of Wacky Archives. Credit: illicitohio.com)

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May 1st, 2008

Top Ten Plays Include Practice

OK, so this isn’t really new — SportsCenter has included non-game plays in Top Plays for a while now — but I’ve always found it interesting when SportsCenter decided to place a non-competitive play in it’s Top Plays (not to mention shots of fans, championship parades and other things that can’t even be classified as “plays”). Regardless, this bank shot by Morris Peterson during Hornets practice yesterday morning is nothing short of incredible.

Full story can be found here and here (and I hear that writer is one handsome devil).

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April 28th, 2008

Foul Ball(s)!

There’s something uniquely mesmerizing about this photo. Maybe it’s the look on the guy’s face after he completely missed the ball and it hit him in the nuts — something about that look says, “Good thing I only need one.” Or maybe it’s the reaction of all the fans around the guy — I especially love the goofy look on the A.C. Slater lookalike above and to the left, not to mention the guy in the Twins gear to the far right. Maybe it’s that this pictures shows that when a ball comes in your direction, and you aren’t athletically adept at handling it, that maybe you should think about covering up something other than your face.

Photo courtesy of Matt Slocum from the Associated Press

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April 26th, 2008

Jake Long at the Lumber Yard

At around 3 this afternoon, Jake Long’s name will be called as the first pick in the NFL Draft. His already negotiated contract makes him the highest paid tackle before he even plays a down. And one time he helped load drywall into my Dodge Intrepid.

My roommate Joe and I were at Fingerle lumber, an Ann Arbor institution and constant source of dirty puns. We had to replace some drywall and a door at our house before our upcoming city inspection. The relative urgency of our inspection kept us from procuring a truck, and we were left with only my sedan to transport a full sheet of drywall and a pre-fab door to our house. This is where Jake Long came to our rescue. He was our assigned warehouse employee, and helped us strap the door to the top of my car and stomped the drywall in half so it would fit into the trunk. And now he’s the first overall pick in the NFL draft, and I’m writing about it for a blog. So, basically, what I’m saying is, “Can I borrow some money?”

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April 24th, 2008

The Chinese Plan To Torture Our Athletes

Meet Liu Qi. Liu has many hobbies, not the least of which is being the current president of Beijing’s Olympic Organizing Committee, being the former Chinese Minister of Commerce and torturing people (from Truthdig):

In an extensive legal opinion, the U.S. District Court in San Francisco determined that Liu was responsible for the illegal detention and torture of two Chinese nationals and a sexual assault against a French woman in China. The two Chinese women later sought refuge in the United States.

I don’t know what’s more appalling, that this guys is the head of organizing the Olympics in Beijing or that senior U.S. member of the International Olympic Committee Anita L. DeFrantz said, “What difference does it make? … This doesn’t tarnish the games.”

No, of course not. I mean, what could people possibly find wrong in a country with an extensive history of human rights abuses hiring a man who was found liable for torture to organize the Olympics? I mean, it’s not like there would be protests or anything.

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April 24th, 2008

Streaker Can Climb Fences, Has Death Wish

You have to admire streakers; it takes an awful lot of courage to get completely naked and run in front of thousands of people knowing it will all end in you being tackled and getting arrested.

That being said, this YouTube clip of a streaker at an MMA match makes me think this guy is more stupid than brave. First of all, think about how hard it is to climb a chain-link fence when you’re fully clothed, let alone buck-ass naked. I mean, what if it’s hot in there and you’re, um, hanging low? Secondly, what if one of those MMA guys, instead of oggling in disbelief, decided to clock you? We’re talking possible genital mutilation/death-by-knee-to-face all in one daring/stupid act.

And you seriously gotta love the fighters’ reactions:
Fighter 1:”Hey man, we were just grappling all hot and sweaty and stuff but look at that guy!”

Fighter 2: “Oh man, he’s totally naked!”

Fighter 1: “High five!”

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April 21st, 2008

NBA Ads *Synchronized Blink* Haunt My Dreams *Synchronized Blink*

This weekend, the wildly anticipated NBA playoffs began. And while there were some great games, for me, the lasting image is half-Kobe-half-Shaq lecturing me on fear. Though the commercials have been around for a while now, they’ve received heavy rotation during the playoffs. I actually thought the commercials were pretty neat, if a bit unsettling. I was especially impressed how they managed to sync up the speech from each player to create an odd stereo effect. I was noting this when my friend brought their eyes to my attention. They blink at the same time! Ahhhhhh! Don’t believe me, check for yourself.

Now, some unanswered questions. Firstly, why didn’t you believe me? And were these blinks choreographed? Was there some sort of blinking coach on set, yelling “Blink,” at designated intervals? If these blinks weren’t scripted, then is there some sort of natural blink response during pauses?

The rest of the ads in the series feature more creepy synchronized blinking. Also, be on the look out for the amalgamated word “Bordan” in the LeBron/KG commercial.

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April 17th, 2008

“Chairman, That is Pronk-rageous”

Travis Hafner has a fantastic nickname. It’s not one of those silly abbreviation nicknames. No, no T-Haf here. No sir, Travis Hafner is Pronk. In the minors, Hafner had two nicknames: Project and Donkey. Project Donkey already being a successful reality show on Bravo, the two names were combined to the sublime Pronk. I find Pronk to be an especially entertaining nickname because it kind of seems like a dirty verb. Pronking just sounds like something one wouldn’t do in polite society.

To my delight, the always outrageous Onion News Network has examined the versatility of the word Pronk. It’s hilariously Pronk-surd.

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April 16th, 2008

Lasorda Knows All About Being a Pope

I have no idea what to make of the news that Tommy Lasorda was invited by President Bush to greet Pope Benedict in Washington this morning. Really, I’m still trying to get over the fact that this isn’t even the first Pope he’s met:

“Lasorda, who has frequently been called on to serve in dignitary roles for President Bush and Major League Baseball, has previously met two other popes — John Paul I and John Paul II.

Pope John Paul II celebrated Mass at Dodger Stadium on Sept. 16, 1987, halfway through Lasorda’s 20-year stint as Dodgers manager. The following season, the Dodgers won the World Series.”

If you aren’t aware, Pope John Paul I is best known for having one of the shortest papacies in history — just 33 days — because of his untimely death on September 28, 1978. Records of that first encounter are hard to come by. And while the fact that he was manager of the Dodgers when John Paul II came to Dodger Stadium (not to mention that Lasorda’s squad won the World Series the next year) is a fortunate coincidence, that Lasorda found a way to meet John Paul I in the month Paul was in power is downright miraculous. And now Lasorda is meeting his third Pope via Presidential invitation. I mean, is Lasorda even Catholic? God must love baseball.

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April 14th, 2008

The Death Of Sports: European Soccer Edition

As far as I’m concerned, there is no better equipped football team in Europe, nay, the world, than FC Barcelona. Ronaldinho, Messi, Henry, Deco, Valdez, Xavi, Iniesta, Abidal, Puyol, and on and on, really, woul any professional footballer actually want to play against these guys? Who on Earth could possibly want to mess that up?

Oh, it’s the Italians. Those damn Italians. Seems like both Inter and AC Milan are going after the horse-faced Brazilian and reports are that the latter has already struck a deal with Ronaldinho’s agent. Now all that’s left is that pesky process of, you know, actually dealing with the team that pays Ronaldinho.

At some point, Barcelona might just have to cut its losses and get rid of their melodramatic star as it’s clear that sometime in between the club’s UEFA Champion’s League victory and the 2006 World Cup, Ronaldinho wore out his welcome in Spain. First there was the partying, the lagging play and now this. Even after he got Barcelona to acquire the most lethal striker in the world in Henry, Ronaldinho still wants out. As if the nightclubs in Milan are any better than the ones in Barcelona.

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